What about me?

Who am I today is eventually the cause of who I was, who/what brought the changes along the way, whose and what's going on in my life lately and really my self protective nature.

More & more...I am leading myself to a point whereby nothing/no one else comes more important than myself.

This is a true account of my fucked up self.
Take it with a pinch of salt or leave it.

I dunno what makes one selfish nature?
Was it by what they call 'Human Nature' or was it just one's cultivation?

I am selfish...since young.
I didnt exactly like giving what's mine or more precisely what I took hard efforts to make it mine/achieve.
But that was minor.
I still enjoy sharing and giving alot cos' I love to see people whom I care smile.

I was the introvert kind when I was young.
I dunno how to share my feelings and I guess it stayed so all these years.
It is now the point that I dont like to share and express my eventual feels.
I take it as either you understand or you dont.
I dont want and never like to say a damn thing.
It's either you leave it or take it.
When I'm happy, I guess everyone can tell so.
When I'm sad, I have now learn not to show so.


I am the independent, strong and obstinate (if you might add) type.
I learned how to cover my vulnerable side. So even if it's lonely & cold, I guess I can still pretty much live like a normal day when I'm outside.


Too many things happened within this short year.
Might I add, not many were pleasant.

I've heard, seen and experienced.
Am very certain there's lots more to go.

Life's never a bed of roses.
I guess the best way to live it is really to love yourself, or just put yourself above it all.

Perfect things might not stay the perfect forever.
Like who knows the seemly perfect Eiffel Tower might come crashing down one fine day.
(Nah..That's just the analogy. I dont wanna use that Twin Towers.)

Of cos' I know perfect things wont stay good forever.

I also learned that life goes on no matter what.
I can sit back and cry the whole night but I still have to start my life the next morning.

So I came to realise that since things and people come and go too soon, it is thus wise to have things of your own.(and earn them yourself.)

If one day someone leave me,I am to be comfort that I am not left with nothing.
And with my possessions, I am not a failure and my life will still goes on.


Now dont come and blah me with those kind of preaches.

Life's a reality, not your sit com.

I dont wanna live one life and realised I dont have anything.

If I have it, many things and people will take it away from me one time or another.

So this leads me to one entry before this.
I felt very undeserved.
I felt that at this point of time,nothing would bring us back anymore.
And I wanna say, it is you* who let me go.Not me.
Never me.
I would very much like to acknowledge my neligence(in a way or another) but I dont think I will.
Cos you wont see me bowing...anymore.


Anyway...
So what's up with this whole entry?


How much I am afraid of losing things I care so much?
How much I am to realise that my life's nothing but myself?

But fuck it.

I know that by being afraid doesnt makes a difference.
So I am gonna bring things in, by myself.


Unfortunately I dont really like to share.
Dont expect me to share how I feel with you.
You know I never do so and probably finds it too hard to do it for a lifetime.
Dont expect me to do things cos' you want me to open up.
My door's shut always.

Dont expect me to expose myself.
I wont and probably dunno to.

I really..
shut down too many things since young and more so within this year.


If you cant come in,then stay outside.
If you come in,I welcome your leaving anytime you want.
If you left,dont step a mile near again.

The nights that I cried...Noone sees them.
And really no one will.